Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 2, 2024

JD Vance thinks bullet proof glass will abortion proof our vaginas

Margaret, that little Vance kid just doesn’t get it. When asked about abortion rights he said, “I want us to make it easier for moms to afford to have babies.”

Are you shitting me with that  nonsense? 

Women might get an abortion for a lot of reasons. Some of them are wanted pregnancies gone horribly wrong. Some of them are unwanted pregnancies at a time when a women isn’t ready to become a mother. Some of them are because of rape, incest, abuse, ignorance, mistakes, and even just accidents. All of them are private. None of them are any of JD Vance’s business. You either trust women or you don’t.

Vance suggested that if we could just make having a family cheaper or more enjoyable, then women would be ok with abortion bans. Of course in the very next sentence he reminded us that we would be sending those children to schools with bullet proof windows and doors that resemble bank vaults. And any pre-existing conditions that child is born with won’t be covered under Trump’s new healthcare plan. 

In response to the question about abortion bans, Vance also said “as a Republican who proudly wants to protect innocent life in this country, who proudly wants to protect the vulnerable, is that my party, we’ve got to do so much better of a job at earning the American people’s trust back on this issue where they, frankly, just don’t trust us.”

The man just doesn’t get it. He thinks we have sex and then order an abortion while the guy is ordering a pizza. It’s not that simple JD. It has nothing to do with our trust in Republican politicians. It has everything to do, however, with Republicans politicians not trusting women and doctors. Republicans don’t trust women to make the right decision for us. Look at the states with abortion bans and then tell me you don’t see red.

Thanks to Donal Trump women are driving all over God’s green earth just to get access to life saving healthcare. And Vance thinks if we would just trust him a little more, California and New York won’t be too far to drive. No thank you. I trust that Vance had it right the first time: when asked he said he would support a national abortion ban. I trust he meant that. And when asked if women should be punished, Trump said they should. I trust he meant that too.

If lying really really well makes you a good debater, then JD Vance is a master debater.

Vance, Trump and the GOP clearly don’t  give a crap about the babies who are already here considering they love guns more than those babies. So please save us the insincere concern about the babies who aren’t here. 

Vote Harris/Walz. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | September 30, 2024

Lindsey Graham thinks Jesus is bat shit crazy

Margaret,

I was watching the news for a bit, which is getting exceedingly harder to do, but I’m glad I did. I learned that JD Vance is hanging out with evangelical religious leader, Lance Wallnau, who said after this month’s presidential debate that Vice President Kamala Harris used “witchcraft” to win the debate.  Wallnau believes Trump has been chosen by God to restore Christian power in America. 

I also saw an interview with Senator Lindsey Graham, otherwise known as Washington’s worst kept secret. Now that’s saying something because Washington is full of secrets that weren’t kept. Hell, it’s full of lots of things that weren’t kept, like Trump’s promises and Graham’s dignity. 

But Senator Graham for this interview was being asked for his reaction to Trump calling Harris mentally disabled. For the record, Trump thought that was a funny insult and those good caring Christians who attend his rallies laughed.  Yes. You heard me correctly. We are back to laughing at jokes about disabilities again. Just when you think they’ve reached bottom, Trump finds a new shovel. 

Now nevermind the obvious fact that Harris isn’t mentally disabled. Lindsey simply had to say that making jokes about disabilities isn’t appropriate. He’s a Senator and yet he couldn’t muster even an ounce of courage. Instead he said Harris might not be disabled, but her policies are bat shit crazy.  And as examples he gave Medicare for All and The Green New Deal. 

So according to Graham, taking care of the planet is bat shit crazy. Taking care of the poor and the sick is crazy liberalism.  Well, Lindsey Darlin’, sign me up for some of that nutty guano because it sounds pretty damn good to me.

That’s where the Republican party is today. Taking care of the planet and helping the sick is radical and crazy. Which is odd when you think about it because Christians on the right should realize that Medicare for All is quite literally the answer to What Would Jesus Do? 

I just can’t even with these asshats anymore. Let me remind you that Lindsey called Trump a race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot and Trump called Lindsey Graham the dumbest human being he’s ever seen. I could almost say that I finally agree with something Trump said, but I’ve actually seen Trump,  so Graham would have to be at least number two on my list… followed closely by JD Vance and Mindy Noce.

So in summary, Trump is once again making jokes about disabilities. Trump supporters are once again laughing at disabilities.  Lindsey Graham thinks taking care of poor people is bat shit crazy. Tim Scott is married and Lindsey Graham isn’t. Tammy Baldwin is the first openly gay member elected to the U.S. Senate, but Wisconsin is a swing state and South Carolina isn’t.  

Well, it’s enough to make your head spin. The hypocrisy of the Republican party is astounding. 

Can we all just vote for Harris and restore a little sanity to our country. I mean it really. 

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | September 17, 2024

Honestly, we are a little surprised you don’t get nearly this upset when they are killing our kids in school

Dear GOP,

We are very sorry that individuals keep trying to shoot Donald Trump. We absolutely do not condone political violence no matter how much we disagree with Trump’s policies and hateful rhetoric.  In fact, if Republican politicians would have joined us to pass sensible gun control, these assassination attempts might not have occurred at all. Honestly, we are a little surprised you don’t get nearly this upset when they are shooting our kids at school. Gun violence is gun violence regardless of the target, although Trump does act like he’s in High School.

And while we are talking about killing people… or more aptly, killing children.. let’s talk about killing babies after they are born or what Trump likes to call after birth abortions. It seems to be upsetting so many of you even though it’s not actually a thing. Honestly, we are a little surprised you don’t get nearly this upset when they are shooting our kids at school.

There are different types of abortions:  surgical and medical, early stage and late stage, planned and unplanned. They are vastly different but they do have one thing in common: they are healthcare. 

No one is pro abortion. We’re pro access to legal and safe abortion when needed. Believe it or not, the ones none of us really like a whole lot are those planned, early ones. The ones where a woman accidentally gets pregnant before she is ready to become a mother. We’d like to reduce how many of those occur, but your GOP elected officials won’t join us in increasing funding for age-appropriate,  medically-accurate sex education. Honestly, you won’t join us in supporting any form of sex education, which is odd, because that is a surefire way to reduce the number of abortions.

I know, I know. You are going to say that young people shouldn’t have sex before marriage. Sure, sure.  Good luck with that. But I bet you have no idea how many married women have abortions too. And we’ll let you in on a little secret. Those late term abortions you hate so much… You know, the ones you like to depict with photos of fetuses sucking their thumbs, full of life with those healthy heartbeats you say you can hear even without the ultrasound? Yeah, let me tell you about those. Late term abortions really are awful because they are almost always wanted pregnancies that have gone horribly wrong. And yes, sometimes they happen in the third trimester. And if you truly had any empathy for the women who have to make that choice, you would be questioning your belief in a God before you would be questioning the choice of that woman. 

Screw you for politicizing that one. No. Not screw you.  Screw Donald Trump and JD Vance for being idiots acting like women pull up to a Planned Parenthood drive-thru window ordering an abortion and fries. The GOP’s take on abortion is insulting. It suggests that women who have abortions and the doctors who provide them are evil and thoughtless. According to the GOP, millions of women are willy nilly aborting babies with all the care and consequences of men masturbating to porn. 

Women deserve better. Doctors deserve better.

And talk about deserving better… Donald Trump doesn’t deserve to be shot at, but Americans certainly deserve better than Trump and his horrible VP pick. After birth abortions! Are you kidding me? As if attacking a pregnant woman dealing with the loss of a wanted pregnancy isn’t repugnant enough, this ridiculous argument is actually attacking Neonatal Palliative Care. Women are dealing with the birth of a child who isn’t expected to live.  Your presidential and vice presidential nominees are politicizing the tragic loss of a newborn incapable of surviving outside of the womb and the parents are having to decide what is the most humane way (as in the least amount of plain and suffering) for that child to be treated before passing away. 

That. That is what Trump tried to score political points about during the debate. The Virginia Governor who Trump claims supported after-birth abortions – the one so many of you showed an edited video clip to prove it– that Governor was talking about what choices a mother might have to make if her fetus had severe deformities, or wasn’t otherwise viable.  

Trump should be ashamed of himself. And you should be ashamed for supporting that bullshit. And honestly, we are a little surprised you don’t get nearly this upset when they are shooting our kids at school. We mean it. Really. 

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 23, 2024

You are better than Trump and you know it. Just like you know that Ann Coulter is also capable of doing weird stuff with furniture.

Margaret, my apologies in advance. This isn’t going to be pretty. It’s going to be petty. Which also happens to be the best way to describe Ann Coulter.

Awhile back I reviewed her latest book and said it was so poorly written that 10 monkeys randomly typing on 10 typewriters would produce a better book in about 10 minutes.  I also said she had feet the size of an Emu. While accurate, it was indeed harsh. But I’m neither a literary critic, nor a zoologist, or anyone of real importance actually so, in fact, I was punching up.

In truth, I am so insignificant that when I do call someone a name or otherwise insult them, I am almost always punching up. The same could be said about Ann. She is neither a good writer nor a good person so technically she too is usually punching up whenever she is attacking liberal politicians. But exactly how pathetic of an asshat does one have to be to actually attack a child and, in particular, a child who is simply showing affection for their father? Someone as low as Coulter actually managed to punch down.

Yesterday, Ann Coulter attacked Gus Walz. A teenager. And when she learned that Gus has a form of autism, she didn’t apologize. She blamed Democrats for making her attack him.

So, GOP, I am asking you again. Aren’t you tired?

Ann Coulter was not the only one. She and the rest of MAGA nation have shown you time and time again that they are the worst among us. They have nothing but contempt and hatred and ugliness to offer.  And this alpha male masculinity thing. I mean what is that? If you are worried that not picking on kids means women aren’t going to procreate for you, please don’t worry. I am sure there are plenty of Marjorie Taylore Greenes and Lauren Boeberts in the world who will be more than happy to show you a good time in a darkened theatre.

Ooops. I went there, didn’t I? I just did what I am accusing you of doing. But in my defense, do a quick google on some of the trash that comes out of those ladies’ mouths daily. You know what.  I take that back. I apologize for saying it. I might be insignificant, but making fun of Margorie and Lauren is definitely punching down because you just can’t get lower than those two.

Aren’t you sick and tired of it?

Since the moment Donald J Trump came down that golden escalator and called poor immigrants “rapists” and “murderers” we Americans have been at each other’s throats, and the GOP has slowly devolved from a political party into a cesspool rife with racism, misogyny, and dick jokes. But Ann Coulter, Mike Crispi, Jay Weber and MAGA faithful still managed to punch down against a 17-year-old kid who wept as he told his Dad he loved him.

Really. Aren’t you tired of it?

Before Trump, we had our disagreements. We had our differences. And sometimes tempers flared, and insults ensued. But this? This constant stream of garbage that comes out of the Trump campaign day after day. The nonstop stream of grievances, name calling, racial slurs, religious intolerance, and just plain hatred…

Aren’t you tired of it?

When Al Gore lost the 2000 election, Democrats were pissed. And in 2008 when Obama was elected, Republicans were pissed. But you know what? We removed our political signs from our yards, and we waited 4 years to vote again. We didn’t make bigger signs and yell at clouds.

Aren’t you tired of it?

Lots of people loved Bill Clinton. Lots of people couldn’t stand him. Families didn’t break up over it.

Lots of people hated George W Bush. Lots of people loved him. Nobody stormed the Capitol.

Aren’t you tired of it?

“Little Marco”

“Pocahontas”

“Lyin’ Ted”

“Sleepy Joe”

“Kamabla”

Aren’t you sick and tired of it?

The worst that Dems have returned in response is to call two rich, white guys weird because there really was no other appropriate term.

 “The late, great Hannibal Lecter is a wonderful man.” – Trump

“I hate the police.” – Vance

“Immigrants are taking black people’s jobs.” – Trump

Democrats are a “bunch of childless cat ladies with miserable lives.” – Vance

“We’re being inundated. Think of it. Millions of people are coming in from prisons, from mental institutions, they’re terrorists at levels that we have never seen before.”- Trump (who is married to an immigrant)

“I had a Diet Mountain Dew yesterday and one today. I’m sure they will call that racist.” – Vance

“I’ve had the experience—I take a shower, I want that beautiful head of hair to be nice and wet; lather. I want it to be lathered beautifully. And I get the best stuff you can buy, and I dump it all over, and then I turn on the water and the damn water drips out. I can’t get this stuff out of my hair, it’s a horrible thing.” – Trump

“Every day George Soros sends a 747 to Columbus to load up disproportionately Black women to get them to go have abortions in California.” – Vance

“What would happen if the boat sank from its weight, and you’re in the boat, and you have this tremendously powerful battery, and the battery’s now under water, and there’s a shark that’s approximately 10 yards over there… from the boat, ten yards, or here. Do I get electrocuted if the boat is sinking, water goes over the battery, the boat is sinking? Do I stay on top of the boat and get electrocuted, or do I jump over by the shark and not get electrocuted?” – Trump

Fake news.

Stolen elections.

Failed nation.

There really is no better word for it. They are weird. And for the love of God, I am so tired of it. Aren’t you?

Before he became President, Trump admitted on camera to sexual assault. You explained it away as locker room talk. Later he was found liable for it in a court of law. You blamed everyone but Trump. But… Secretly you were disturbed by it. Weren’t you?

Before he became President, he made fun of a disabled person. He literally mocked the way he looked and talked. You pretended it never happened. But deep down you were disgusted when you saw the video, weren’t you? Surely you had to be.

When he gave a tax cut to the rich and then worked to take away your health insurance… weren’t you just a little bit pissed off?

When he downplayed COVID but then got COVID himself and was rushed by helicopter to one of our nation’s finest hospitals… didn’t you pause and take a second look at the refrigerator trucks being used as overflow morgues? Surely you did.

When students were gunned down in an Iowa school he said “It’s just horrible, so surprising to see it here. But have to get over it, we have to move forward.” Did you wonder why he waited 36 hours to comment and that was the best he had to offer to the grieving parents? Get over it.

When you found out that his foundation had to be shut down because it had misused funds that were intended for charity… surely you were disgusted. Weren’t you?

Some of you are my neighbors. Some of you are my family members for crying out loud. I know you. This stuff has to bother you. You are too good for that man. What are you waiting for?

The demons on the left are not who you think they are. They have created millions more jobs and invested in thousands of more infrastructure projects. Affordable healthcare. Medical and family leave. Social Security. Medicare. They’ve offered real solutions to the immigration issues. The weirdos on the right have given you what exactly? A larger 401k? I just can’t with this nonsense anymore. The stock market has doubled since Trump left office.

Trump made everything worse. And deep down you know it. You didn’t hate your neighbors before Trump. You didn’t mock children before Trump. You respected hard work. You respected the sacrifice of veterans. You elected people who didn’t embarrass you on a regular basis.

Put Trump. Put Vance. Put Bannon, Miller, Flynn, Giuliani. Coulter, Greene, Boebert, Lake, That Weird Pillow Guy…. Put them all behind you. You are better than this. We are all Americans and we are better than this. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 22, 2024

Trump’s greatest accomplishment was getting everyone to talk about his small Johnson.

Margaret, I have loved every minute of Kamala’s campaign. You really need to find your glasses and turn on the boob tube, Honey. Such joy. Such diversity. Such excitement and hope. Considering the hell we’ve all been through since Donald Trump screwed up the nation, it’s truly a miracle. If Kamala can do this as a candidate. Imagine what she can do as President.

All of you Republicans out there. I just have to ask you. Aren’t you tired? The hate and negativity of Trump has to be exhausting.

It all started with Rubio and Cruz talking about Trump’s small hands and eventually it got to weird shaped mushroom descriptions. I wonder which GOP Congressman will be the first to claim they know what it really looks like. Boebert? Greene? Gaetz? The porn star told us and that was more than enough information for me.

Fox News says Obama’s joke was a low point in presidential politics, conveniently ignoring that Trump goes lower daily. The difference being Obama was actually funny… and maybe a little bit too on the mark.

But I ask you, GOP. Haven’t you had enough of Trump? Everything that man touches turns to trash. I mean stop digging. You’ve reached bottom with that guy many times over.

Don’t get me wrong. There are some real douche bags on the progressive side too. But we aren’t electing them for President. They’re harmless. We’re just laughing at the ugly Tesla truck they’re driving. But your guys, the GOP douche bags… now those guys are the real deal. They are passing laws about who is standing and who is sitting to pee. Honestly, it’s really creepy that your political leaders are spending this much time imagining how people are peeing. And now they are literally making women flee their states because the unthinkable has happened during an otherwise very wanted pregnancy or worse still, during a pregnancy caused by incest. Since the day that orange twat came down his golden escalator, your party has gone to hell.

Don’t believe me? Just look at your base. One sign in their yard wasn’t enough. They had to put all the signs in their yard in hopes of pissing off their neighbors. And I’ll admit it works. It pisses us off. They win. Ten Trump signs in their lawn and we’re triggered. But what does it say about your base that pissing off your neighbors brings them joy? And what does it say about Trump that he brings out the worst in us?

We’ve got some yahoo in my neighborhood with the giant Trump banner and the huge flag and a Go Brandon sign for good measure. I mean, I’ve seen Taylor Swift fans with more restraint. I’m truly embarrassed for him. But that’s what Donald does. He doesn’t lift anyone up. He pulls everyone down. He encourages you to be your worst. If anything was a low point in presidential politics, it wasn’t Obama’s joke; it was Trump’s January 6th rally where Trump convinced mostly ordinary citizens to storm the Capitol. There is simply nothing normal and certainly nothing patriotic about that. He and Vance are not just weird; they’re asshat crazy.

Now maybe the Dems went a little overboard with the sofa joke, sure. But honestly, it’s hilarious to me that particular joke caught fire. That so many people believed it says more about Vance than it does about social media. If you listen to the shit that Vance says, you really do wonder if there might be some truth to the story. I know I’ll never look at my sofa the same way again.

But seriously. Haven’t you had enough? Truly. Walk away from that trash heap Trump calls his base and join us as we take our country back from Trump’s basket of deplorables.

Donald Trump, the former President, was found liable for sexual assault and convicted of fraud. He cheated college students. His kids stole from charity. When we needed a leader during COVID, he was so ineffective he couldn’t even pull the nation together long enough to get people to wear a mask to save their grandparents. He mocked a disabled person. He used the Bible for a prop after paying to cover up an affair with a porn star. He cheated on his first wife with his second wife and then cheated on that one with the third one. He politicized the plight of immigrants and asylum seekers rather than using his power to seek a solution. He gave a tax break to his rich friends and tried to take healthcare insurance away from everyone else. He calls his supporters basement dwellers. He said getting the Medal of Freedom is better than the Medal of Honor because veterans are full of bullets or dead. He killed a bipartisan immigrant bill because it would benefit Biden and Harris. The man is garbage.

Values and character matter. They should. They have to. Decency. Honesty. Kindness. Joy. Don’t you miss it, GOP? Trump is the old guy screaming at the kids to stay off his lawn. He is a fake solution looking for an imaginary problem. Turn the page. Put a smile on your face. Come outside and really meet your neighbors.

Again, I ask you. Aren’t you tired of it all? And when you come into the comment section below and start arguing about what we have written, calling us names or telling us how ugly you think we are… Just stop for a minute and ask yourself – Don’t you have anything better to do? You live in constant fear that someone is going to take your guns, turn your child gay, or steal your job and give it to an immigrant. Guess what? It’s all a big lie.

He’s got your whole party saying the absolute stupidest things. A woman becomes a lawyer, a District Attorney, an Attorney General, a US Senator and Vice President and MAGA says she slept her way to the top. A veteran retires honorably after 24 years of service to his country and MAGA says he abandoned his responsibilities. Imagine that. Veterans turning on fellow veterans. That is the stink that is Donald Trump. MAGA are asshats. Don’t be a MAGA.

Windmills don’t cause cancer. Solar energy doesn’t require you to turn off your TVs at night. Electric cars are everywhere and you can still drive your gas guzzler if you want. Your shower heads and your dishwashers work just fine. Elon Musk is a moron… no wait… that’s a different post. This one is about Trump. Nuking a hurricane is all sorts of crazy. Putin isn’t a good guy. North Korea isn’t our friend. Big strong men don’t come up to Trump and cry because he found them a job in a coal mine. We don’t have open borders.

Facts: The economy tanked under his leadership. Crime went up. The deficit exploded. The stock market has doubled since he left office. The wall didn’t get built. Obamacare didn’t go away. It got more popular. We lost jobs. We lost global status. We lost lives. We lost our dignity while that man sat in the Oval Office. He didn’t unite anyone. Families broke apart. Neighbors turned against each other. He is a cancer. He broke America.

Trump had his chance. He failed miserably. Leave him. Join us. We won’t go back. I won’t go back. Margaret can’t go back because she’s too busy looking for her glasses. Trump is bad for America. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | July 11, 2024

If only Trump had a brain, a heart or a shred of decency…

If Donald Trump were a decent human being, he would have put patriotism over party and allowed this nation to heal. Instead, he has spent the last almost 4 years whining like a three-year-old. The man isn’t fit to hold office. Both candidates should step aside at this point and let the nation heal. But it is what it is. If these are our candidates, then let’s focus on their administrations and not their individual qualifications.

One is full of felons, con artists and idiots. The other is filled with civic-minded civil servants who are experts in their fields. One is filled with resignations, felony convictions, scandal and racist ideology. The other is filled with career experts representing a diverse cross section of the American people. One is a clown show. The other is a proverbial steady hand.

Which group should you trust to lead this nation? Only an idiot or a racist would choose the shit show that is about to play out in Milwaukee. If you want the truth about climate control, talk to a farmer, a fisherman or a scientist. Want the truth about abortion access, talk to a woman who wasn’t allowed to get one. Want the truth about immigration, invite an immigrant into your home. Want a bunch of lies, conspiracy theories and fear mongering, talk to almost anyone wearing a hat in downtown Milwaukee this coming week. The GOP has its collective head so far up its ass, they can see the backside of their tonsils.

Like him or hate him, we need a leader in the mold of Al Gore. More so than any other presidential candidate, that man had a legitimate gripe, but when the courts spoke, here is what he had to say:

“Good evening. Just moments ago I spoke with George W. Bush and congratulated him on becoming the 43rd president of the United States. And I promised him that I wouldn’t call him back this time.

I offered to meet with him as soon as possible so that we can start to heal the divisions of the campaign and the contest through which we’ve just passed.

Almost a century and a half ago, Senator Stephen Douglas told Abraham Lincoln, who had just defeated him for the presidency, ‘Partisan feeling must yield to patriotism. I’m with you, Mr. President, and God bless you.’

Well, in that same spirit, I say to President-elect Bush that what remains of partisan rancor must now be put aside, and may God bless his stewardship of this country. Neither he nor I anticipated this long and difficult road. Certainly neither of us wanted it to happen. Yet it came, and now it has ended, resolved, as it must be resolved, through the honored institutions of our democracy…”

Imagine if Donald Trump was capable of being that guy, instead of the asshat he is.

Politicians aren’t perfect, but anyone is better than Trump. Vote Biden. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 22, 2023

Thanksgiving Letter to the Family

Dear Family,

Once again, we will gather for turkey and all the trimmings this Thanksgiving.  Trump remains a pain in my rump, but I have decided to rise above it. Things change. Life goes on. But the turkey is still moist as ever. Although it seems quite foolish to say it, here are the house rules:

Politics is definitely spoken here. If you can’t defend your choices, you deserve the ridicule. If you can defend your choices, enjoy the conversation, and ultimately agree to disagree when needed.  I don’t have a problem if you don’t agree with me. 

Mary, those boys of yours have grown old enough to know better. Mud on my carpet is about as welcome as Rhonda’s bible quotes. I’ll get both whether I like it or not, so you’ll get my dirty looks whether you like it or not.  And tell that middle one he can wear whatever he wants. We all come with our differences.  He’s unique and that’s what I love about him. It’s what makes life special. Not everything needs to make sense. God made mosquitos. There’s no sense in that.

I want everyone to feel loved. If I get your pronoun wrong, just let me know. Some of you call me Grandma and some of you call me MeMaw. That’s fine with me. Why should pronouns be any different? Making someone feel comfortable is just good manners.  

Once again, I don’t do special diets.  Turkeys die. Potatoes have starch. Bread has gluten. Butter has fat. Tea without sugar is a waste of time.  My Thanksgiving meal has a million calories.  That’s why it tastes so good. If you’re fat, jog to my house. We’re a big family in more ways than one, and this meal isn’t going to change the size of your backside. If you need something special, bring it. You have two hands and I have a front door you can carry it through. I’m ok with that. It just leaves more of the good stuff for everyone else. But if you need my oven or my stove, you’re out of luck. I’ll be using both.

Cloe, go ahead and bring your Jell-O salad again. It’s the only thing that jiggles more than me. After this many years, if you still think someone is actually going to eat it, well then bless your heart. That much optimism is a good thing in the world today regardless of how delusional it is.

And speaking of the world today, we have a whole new generation coming into this family and we need to be thinking of their world. The trash bin is on the left and the recycling bin is on the right. Plastic bottles are out, and cans are in.  I have no idea if that makes the world better, but if you open it (can or bottle) you finish it.  I am tired of every year throwing out bottle after bottle of half empty drinks. It’s just wasteful.

Now, if you have small kids, I expect a hug and a kiss. In return they can have all the pie and Ranger cookies they want.  But I am not your babysitter. I have nice things. Watch your kids. I swear, some of them could trip over a cordless phone. If they have an accident, clean it up. And if they break something, clean it up and then buy me a new one for Christmas.

God is great and God is good.  But this family has grown in size over the years and many new faces are around the table. God means different things to different people. I never expected we would all agree about everything, but not agreeing about anything… I didn’t see that coming.  We might have had our differences in the past, but intolerance won’t be tolerated. If you don’t believe in gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person. If you don’t believe in abortion, don’t have one.  If you don’t believe in the results of the 2020 election, don’t bother bringing it up because after three years of listening to that bullshit, I’m calling bullshit.  Get over it.

Happy Thanksgiving. I’m thankful to still be here.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | September 28, 2023

IF A GOP DEBATE FALLS IN THE FOREST AND NOBODY IS THERE TO HEAR IT, DO WE CARE?

Margaret, I did it again. I made the mistake of tuning into FOX News [sic], or as I like to call it: Hell on Helen’s Earth. Actually, the best thing about the second GOP debate was Univision Reporter, Ilia Calderón Chamat. Too bad the candidates didn’t bother to answer her questions. However, watching Nikki Haley beat up on Vivek Ramaswamy, Ron DeSantis and Tim Whatshisname was a hoot. But the whole thing was about as exciting as watching paint dry.

When the candidates weren’t yelling over each other, they were happily demonizing parents of transgender children or excitedly describing their plans to rape America’s national parks. I can’t believe “drill baby drill” is still a sound bite for these dipshits. Then again, this is the party that seems to take delight in coming up with ways to drown or otherwise kill people at the border.

I’m really not sure if anything of true substance was discussed. There were some good questions asked by the moderators, but the candidates talked out of their asses about everything except what was asked. At one point these yahoos were arguing about the drapes hanging in someone’s office. I kid you not. The cost of drapes was Tim’s “gotcha” moment. The debate was just one long string of solutions looking for problems that don’t actually exist. Instead of empathy, the GOP offers disgust. Instead of leadership, they offer hysterical fearmongering. Instead of patriotism, they offer division and hate. And instead of a leader, they offer Trump.

Don’t get me wrong. America has problems. We actually do need a solution to the immigration crisis. We need to address climate change. We need all hands-on deck to address our mental healthcare problem. We need to get big money out of politics. Sensible gun laws. Affordable healthcare. We’ve got real issues to solve including keeping the government open. What we don’t need to worry about are drag shows.

Making America great again implies that America isn’t great. America is great. What isn’t great is the GOP.

Margaret, I ask you, why the hell are we wasting any more time on this? After years of pandering to the lowest common denominator, the GOP nominated its village idiot in 2016 and that idiot and his confederacy of dunces now own the party. Get ready folks. Trump will be the nominee and God help us if we don’t turn out the vote and send him packing. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 24, 2023

Even Without Trump Fox News is Still a Scary Place

Margaret,

I settled in to watch the debate thinking it might actually be enjoyable without Trump. It wasn’t. Like a hemorrhoid, the itching and burning lingers even when you can’t see it. There’s just not enough Preparation H to make Trump truly go away.

Ron DeSantis clearly practiced smiling in front of a mirror but forgot the mirror. I did, however, enjoy his audition for The Apprentice. Asa Hutchison might have been there. I’m not sure. I keep getting him confused with Doug Burgum. Wait a minute. Who is Doug Burgum again? Mike Pence was definitely there, but he forgot to bring his fly. Rick Scott… I mean Tim Scott…I mean… Niki Haley and Chris Christie tried desperately to return some respect and dignity to the Grand Old Party, but they were quickly shouted down. The Republican base doesn’t want sanity. They want the crazy. I guarantee Haley and Christie will be talking about Trump’s tiny hands before you know it, because that’s what the GOP has become – a bad joke.

In truth, the worst part of the GOP debate wasn’t Trump – who thankfully wasn’t there – or DeSantis -who thankfully wasn’t there – or even that annoying guy Vivek Ramaswamy – who was there way too much. The worst part of the debate was having to tune the TV to Fox News. Dear Lord, that’s a scary place.

Is there any place angrier and whiter than Fox News? If not for the pancake makeup, it could broadcast in black and white. Fox is a god-awful place to visit, filled with Republicans who are mad at everyone and everything. And much of what they are angry about isn’t even based in reality.

Fact check:

  • Abortion up until birth isn’t a thing… anywhere.
  • The vast majority of immigrants are looking for a better life. They’re not delivering fentanyl to your kids.
  • Climate change is a thing.
  • Millions of people enjoy living in large cities.

If you watch Fox, I can understand why you are angry and miserable. They paint a pretty bleak picture of the world. Might I suggest you go out for dinner and a movie instead of tuning in? You might discover that America really is a pretty great place.

I’m sorry I watched the debate. At my age, every hour is precious, and I regret wasting two hours to watch that clown show. But I did, so here is my takeaway for those of you smart enough to not have tuned in:

The Republican Party is over. The debate literally started with a fat lady singing. This is Trump’s party, and he will be the nominee. God help us. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 4, 2023

Trump is a Hemorrhoid

Margaret, 

What the hell is wrong with the Republican Party?  I mean, fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me for three indictments and 78 felony counts… and we haven’t even heard from the Georgia DA yet. Surely I am not the  only fat lady dying to sing. 

McCarthy and company are the largest group of asshats on the planet. And that is saying something considering they share the planet with Elon Musk and his Musketeers. Please, for the love of God, you need to pull your heads out of your asses and finally start acting like the political leaders you were elected to be. The man lied to you. But it’s always about money and power. Always. How are we supposed to unite as a country if you bozos can’t even unite against that lunatic?

Honey, I get it. I really do. Trump has the right to say whatever he wants.  He has the right to lie and scream and cry that he didn’t lose the election. That’s his First Amendment Right. In fact, he’s lying all the way to the bank using his unsuspecting supporter’s donations to pay for lawyers. Trump lies all day, every day.  It’s what he does. And he does it because you let him. You shouldn’t hate a dog for having fleas. It’s what they do. But you should at the very least expect better from your party’s leader. 

And yet, you are sticking with him.  Defending him even. A liar. And not just any liar, but one willing to break the law in an attempt to justify his lies. That is your candidate for President? Are you kidding me? He might build skyscrapers, but his elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.  Being rich doesn’t make you smart. And being Trump doesn’t make you anything other than annoying as hell.

Trump is a hemorrhoid.

Let me explain. Hemorrhoids, also called piles, are enlarged veins in your rectum and anus. They can lead to itching, burning, bleeding, and discomfort, especially when sitting down.  A hemorrhoid is something that annoys you for doing nothing more than simply sitting down. That is Trump.

When he mocked a disabled person years ago, we had to stand up. We had to say something because you paragons of morality wouldn’t. Making fun of the disabled is wrong. Everybody knows that. You learn that in kindergarten. In fact, everything you need to know about being a decent human being, you learn in kindergarten. Trump clearly never went to kindergarten.

When he called nations shit-hole countries simply because they are filled with predominantly darker-skinned people, we had to stand up because you Trumpers wouldn’t.  

When he lied to everyone about the pandemic, we had to stand up because you Trumpers wouldn’t.  For crying out loud, we all heard him suggest drinking bleach.  

Seriously. What is wrong with you?

We had to stand up, because a criminal was elected to our highest office and you all set idly by in Congress. You are supposed to be the check and balance for exactly this kind of shit. You kept a lying, thieving, narcissist, adulterer in the White House. The moron cheated on his first wife with his second wife and then on that wife with his third wife and then on that wife with a beauty queen and then a porn star while the third wife was pregnant. Did you really think he was going to be honest with you? Seriously? The grab them by the pussy guy. The sharpie pen weather map guy. The rolls of paper towels throwing guy. The stare at the sun guy. The racist are very fine people guy. The if she wasn’t my daughter, I would date her guy. He’s a grown man who still thinks name calling is how you win a debate.

In 2020 more than 81 million of us stood up and did your jobs for you. We voted that clown out of office. And then we made the mistake of sitting down thinking we had successfully given you a hemorrhoidectomy. But that God damn hemorrhoid came back. And you cowards welcomed him with open arms. 

He led an insurrection against our nation. You had to flee the Capitol. I’m looking at you Josh Hawley. His supporters showed up with a noose. They literally took a shit in the halls of our nation’s Capitol. And you just sat back down regardless of how much that hemorrhoid was burning you.  

He was indicted for the first time, and all of you stayed seated.

He was found guilty of sexual assault, and I so badly wanted to stand up, but I was sure you finally would. That one was hard to stay quiet about. So hard.

He was indicted for the second time, and the itching and burning was so bad, and Margaret and I almost got up. We really did want to stand up again.  But we are old and tired so we stayed on our asses while that orange hemorrhoid itched and burned. We assumed you would do the right thing. But you didn’t.  He’s the leading candidate in the Republican Party because you refused to tell his supporters the truth.

Let me say that out loud again. Twice impeached, thrice indicted Donald J Trump is the leading candidate in the Republican Party… again.  Bless your hearts. With your heads so far up your asses how do you manage to still drag your knuckles to the Capitol for your next hearing on Hunter?

And did you really think other hemorrhoids wouldn’t show up? Did you really not think Trump would give rise to the likes of DeSantis and Greene?

Eventually, a hemorrhoid gets too big, and you can’t even sit down anymore. Trump has been indicted for a third time and just like that… we’re standing again because you won’t.

So here we stand. Margaret and Helen. Two old women who aren’t afraid to speak our minds, but who should be allowed to at least sit in peace.  We’ve never been elected to anything, but we’ve got Preparation H and a huge hemorrhoid to deal with. 

So buckle your seatbelts folks. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. This time, we aren’t just coming for Trump. Margaret and I are coming for the whole damn Republican Party.  

You should have stood up. I mean it. Really.

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